Mary and Martha lived with their brother Lazarus at Bethany, a village near Jerusalem. Once, when Jesus and his disciples were their guests, Mary sat at Jesus' feet, listening to him talk while Martha, busy preparing food and waiting on the guests alone, grew quite fed up and complained to Jesus who, to her surprise declared that Mary had chosen ‘the better part’.I asked women in one of my workshops who they identified with:
“The eldest of six, I was pushed into Martha-ness, my siblings still expect me to sort out their problems.”
“Who has time for any Mary stuff?”
“I used to be such a Martha, but after a terrible illness, now I’m definitely Mary.”
“Jesus considered Mary’s role ‘better’, but who cooked the meal for them all? Who cleared up? I too would enjoy acting like Mary, but work would never get done…”
“Mary. I sat around doing nothing. But I feel huge guilt around this. My older sister, more a Martha, worked herself into the grave.”
They are still making one sister right and one sister wrong. Marthas accuse Marys of living in their heads, neglecting their share of work, having it easy. Marys see Marthas as too role-obsessed, often humourless, getting worked up over nothing. There is some truth in both angles!
Mary and Martha could be seen as two rather different kinds of individuals, but in truth, Mary as well as Martha both exist to some degree in each of us.
While it’s true that events, roles and choices push us into being more like one sister, a balanced and harmonious life requires that we nurture both aspects. If you stop and reflect, you will see which sister you are like most of the time, and how the ‘other’ one whispers - or shouts - for your attention.
Martha, the efficient, productive sister, works at her job, whether at home or out, with careful attention to planning and details. She is all about getting things done, serving others, and yes, keeping up appearances. She is also a faithful friend, someone to be counted upon, often left with too little time for herself. And she not only feels unappreciated, she is exhausted, sometimes bitter.
Mary, usually calm and cheerful, knows things will get done; after all, there are Marthas around to see to that! Her ability to listen is one of her greatest strengths. Often slow to help or act, she infuriates us, but in her more thoughtful manifestation, she reflects, decides and acts based on inner promptings, not worrying too much what others think or say about her. She attends specially to her inner, nurturing needs.
Consider our own lives in these time of shifting paradigms and relentless demands: We wake up each morning, perhaps not having slept too well, faced with a clamouring list of "To-Dos." We travel, attend meetings, make presentations, shop, cook, clean, take care of the needs of others – and this is just on regular days with no unexpected events.
We long for ‘personal quiet time’, maybe to listen to music, be out in nature, eat an unhurried meal, meet with special friends, find ways to be of significant service.
Deepening connection with your inner Martha needs you to honor your strong work values, while conserving your energy through discerning choices and action, trusting others to do their bit and not spreading yourself too thin. It also involves appreciating yourself before others can appreciate you.
Deepening your connection with your inner Mary includes consciously finding time for aloneness, reflection and spiritual connection and actually bringing the energy from this into thoughtful, supportive and collaborative action.
May you embrace your contradictions!
Marguerite Theophil
Stories … do not require that we do, be, act anything -
we need only listen.
The remedies for repair or reclamation of any lost psychic drive
are contained in stories.
~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes
